


Two Sides

by pintowrites



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Secret Relationship, no one can know, secrecy, two sides of the same coin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2308898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pintowrites/pseuds/pintowrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Merlin."</p><p>Merlin utters a noncommittal noise in response. He's busy. He's tidying up, picking up clothing, rearranging askew items on the bedside tables and straightening the sheets even though Arthur was still on them. </p><p>It's got to look like he was never here because he wasn't. He can't have been. He was never in the royal chambers at this hour, in Arthur's bed.</p><p>It's got to look the part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Sides

"Merlin."

Merlin utters a noncommittal noise in response. He's busy. He's tidying up, picking up clothing, rearranging askew items on the bedside tables and straightening the sheets even though Arthur was still on them.

It's got to look like he was never here because he wasn't. He can't have been. He was never in the royal chambers at this hour, in _Arthur's_ bed.

It's got to look the part.

" _Merlin._ "

It's louder this time, with more purpose, but he's not shouting. In fact, if it was possible to be quiet with such purpose and _loudness_ in tone, Arthur has just done it.

"Yes, sire?"

He fluffed the pillow in his hands before putting it back on the bed, on the side Arthur doesn't and never will sleep on. It's Merlin's side.

"What do you do?"

He did a lot of things. He did a lot of things that made it look like he had been doing nothing at all.

"Sire?"

Merlin knew exactly what was being asked. He knew exactly what Arthur wanted to know but hoped his feigned confusion would throw him off, make him drop the subject until next time. Merlin couldn't be Arthur's problem because Merlin was, effectively, never here.

Merlin's professionalism always threw Arthur off, and he could see it on Arthur's face; confused as to why he was "Arthur" moments before and "Sire" now. Confused, lately, as to why Merlin never stayed, and confused _now_ about what Merlin took away from these late nights in the royal chambers.

Arthur's face contorted, brow furrowed with thought. Merlin considered, briefly, making a joke about Arthur not hurting himself; what with thinking too hard, and all.

"For yourself, Merlin- .... What do you _do_?"

Arthur's frustration was palpable. He was never good with his words.

Merlin sighed, heavy, and resigned himself to the fact that Arthur wasn't dropping the subject, at least not tonight. Merlin never took care of himself, nor did he let Arthur. If Merlin satisfied himself, let Arthur take care of him, for once, Arthur may ask him to stay. _He_ may be tempted to stay, even worse, and he _can't._

Handmaidens litter the corridors in the wee hours of the morning. Uther calls Arthur to small council meetings. Knights call Arthur to practice. Morgana knocks on his door, teases him for sleeping in. He reminds himself of all of these things, gives himself more reason to leave because he wishes, wholeheartedly, that he could stay. But Merlin couldn't be a part of any of those things.

He _couldn't_ be here.

He found his neckerchief on the ground, by the bedside table on Arthur's side, and carefully plucked it from the floor. He put on a smile while he tied it behind his neck, looking anywhere but at Arthur.

"I take care of myself, Sire."

It was meant to reassure, and like many things Merlin did, it was only for Arthur's benefit.

Merlin still didn't look at him, even when Arthur forced a smile and a reassurance of his own.

"Okay, Merlin."

It was a reassurance that neither of them believed.

Merlin cleared his throat and tugged on the end of his neckerchief, testing the knot and giving his hands something to do besides tremble nervously at his sides.

"You have practice with the Knights in the morning, I'll bring breakfast early."

Arthur nodded his approval and looked, for a moment, like he still had something to say. It was short-lived, and he let Merlin go with a curt nod just to show that he'd heard him.

These moments, more than anything, tempted Merlin to stay, when he knew Arthur had a small moment of clarity; when he realized why Merlin did what he did, left when he left. But Merlin still doesn't stay. He tugs on the sleeve of his tunic before turning on his heel and leaving Arthur's bedside, willing himself to keep walking and ignore the fact that he didn't hear Arthur's head hit the pillow.

Merlin shuts the door behind him and swallows the lump in his throat, forces himself back to his own room, ignores the nauseous feeling in his stomach and the burn behind his eyes.

Because two sides of the same coin, although inseparable, although longing to stay close and just _once_ stay the night, may never touch.

**Author's Note:**

> Read it on livejournal: http://pintowrites.livejournal.com/2673.html  
> Read it on tumblr: http://pintowrites.tumblr.com/post/97547799415/two-sides


End file.
